I Don’t Understand   Leave a comment

There are many things about this world and about the people around me that I do not understand. Many things I think are normal that turn out to be strange or vice versa. I’m not sure how this happened exactly; my parents are objectively normal members of society. I don’t know where I got these ideas.

When I was little, I never thought fart jokes were funny. I was never amused by quips about bodily functions. I’ve seen in movies and books the idea that every kid finds fart jokes funny at some point, and burping too. I never did. I legitimately don’t understand what could possibly be funny about them. I don’t want to try to ask anyone about it, but I suspect the answer might be “They just are” or something to that nature, as if the humor is inherent.

I never liked the random games people would play, because I didn’t like rules that would inconvenience me. If someone ever “jinxed” me, I would roll my eyes at them and give them a derisive stare before I would go on talking. If I were playing truth or dare and I was asked or told something I didn’t want to do, I wouldn’t do it. The others would be upset with me that I wasn’t “playing by the rules”, but I would get so frustrated because I didn’t want to play in the first place. I was only there joining in on their activities because I felt like it was normal, like it was something I was supposed to do. I tried to pretend like I was having fun, but I really wasn’t.

Though I am in college, I see no appeal in alcohol. Though I am very shy, I force myself to go to the parties held by people at school that seem to at least nominally accept me. I sit there while all they do is flip over cards or roll dice that tell them how much they get to drink. It makes me feel so sad because I literally cannot fathom why this is fun. “Let’s destroy our internal organs with liquids that will literally make our stomachs reject them.” Why is this entertainment? Why can we never do anything else? Maybe I’m strange, but I really enjoy a good challenging board game, or a card game that doesn’t involve how many shots my “friends” can throw down without passing out. Oh, sometimes they’ll have a couple people playing video games or something, but usually if we’re doing something that doesn’t involve alcohol it’s because we’ve gone out to do something, like eating at a restaurant. So I have to pay not to sit and watch my friends drink? Last night was one of those get-togethers, everyone in a circle with their own aims to get plastered. I sat there watching them, because I felt like I was still “supposed to” be there even if I wasn’t having any fun. The night dragged on and everyone stopped talking to each other and instead shouting about how one person or another had to drink. I wanted to go home so badly, to not be there, but I felt trapped in my chair, like it would be some kind of “serious party foul” if I tried to leave. I was there probably an hour longer than I wanted to be before I finally summoned up the courage to rise from my chair and grab my jacket. If this is how other gatherings are going to go (and precedent seems to be set up for that), I’m not sure I want to go next time. I will, though, because even friends that make me feel uncomfortable and awkward are supposed to be better than spending the time alone in my room. That’s supposed to be the case. Why doesn’t it feel that way? I don’t understand.

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Posted January 29, 2011 by Kristen in Blog

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