Last night, I was lying in bed beginning to go to sleep when my mind became conscious of the light. I had forgotten to unplug my laptop and the bright blue signal of this fact was sending its halo out across my room. I attempted to sit up and stare directly at the source of the light, as if my mild annoyance were enough to pull the plug out. Sometimes I still believe I am Matilda.
Only as I tried to look at the light, I realized I couldn’t see it. No matter how I angled my head, there was something from my desk blocking my view. I realized I could see the aura even better when I laid back down and decided it wasn’t so important to see where it was coming from.
In a way, this is a lot like how I view God. I was brought up with religion, but in a very easy-going (perhaps lazy) household in which my mother took us to church but we didn’t really talk about it once we left. I also went to Catholic school. We prayed every day and went to Mass during school hours a couple times a month, but otherwise it now seems pretty secular. Other than religion classes that were more about teaching certain stories in the Bible than anything else, we didn’t really talk about God.
When I got older and had more experience with people from Protestant religions, I began to wonder if what I had experienced was indicative of Catholicism or just my particular experience. I believed in God and had one-sided conversations with him in my head, but I wasn’t outward, Evangelical. I actually became annoyed with how much some Protestants brought it up in their speech, in times where invoking God didn’t seem to serve any purpose I could uncover. I remember one of my cousins getting upset and an aunt (not the mother) quietly telling her that God would forgive her for her bad behavior. This was to a five year old. When I was that age, I didn’t understand proportion. Bringing up how God would feel about her actions may have upset her even more. It would have done so to me.
This is where the laptop light comes back in. There have been times in my academic career when I have questioned the nature of God, of faith. I have always felt that some element was beyond our comprehension, that we could never really know what he/she/it/they wanted from us, but I have no doubt of its existence. I can feel it around me. I don’t need to see it or talk about it for it to be a real experience. I could just get up and unplug the light. Certainly that might make more sense to some people as the logical thing to do. Even so, I don’t feel I need to directly affect the light in some way. I really don’t mind its presence in my room.